Conflicted defines me.
I accept that there will always be too much going on in my mind of course. Smfh.
I swear I’m an extension of the Don Draper character.
It isn’t as cool as I feel I try to make it seem. Idk.
I’m now in a place where I’m spending all this time with myself and strangers/distant friends, doing things/living a lifestyle I never thought I was capable of.
This has been an explosive year so far and it’s all so cool.. But I just don’t feel full.
I’m literally falling into life and I’m going down the wrong path.. It’s kind of fun but mainly it’s all in vain of “why not?”
I have nothing holding me back and these nights alone are getting bad.
It took a toll on my health last week.. I got sick and an old issue popped up at the same fckn time…
I barely sleep, I can’t stop thinking about certain things. I’m struggling with staying motivated on certain things that need to get done.
So instead I go out and rage until my body quits and then I keep going. I’m turning into this cool kid that has these ‘about last night’ stories again..
It’s just not what I want.
But fuck… These days and nights alone are getting tougher. It’s only been like two/three weeks since this shit started.
This is all an internal complaint… But I guess the purpose of sharing all of this applies to the very reason that I have this damn site.
I’m insatiable and I hate it.
I did start the year out with everything I ever wanted though. I try to remind myself of that.
I’ve been doing really well at acknowledging the good in my life because of last year… I don’t think I can live through another year like that.. Idk.
But anywho. I had this tonight
And it was just another meal that made me cry inside because I still remember going through last year wondering if I’d ever eat good or if I’d struggle like that for the rest of my life… I have good cries now..
I’m so tired right now.. All I want is quality sleep. I haven’t had quality sleep in a couple of weeks now and it’s killing me.
You ever hit a phase where your dreams are average and then someone’s face just flashes throughout?
Like fuck. My dreams are being haunted right now and it hurts.
I’m no good at moving on with my life.
I’m just good at going forward because life.
My eyes are burning in that way, so I’m going to attempt to sleep.
I’m happy.. Dammit. I’m eating great. My bills are paid. I’m maintaining relationships that I care about.
I keep telling myself this because everything is good.
I’m just a little sad.