That word has been relevant lately.. Relevant to my life and my understanding of why I’m in the position that I am in..
I’m fucking poor man. Plain and simple, I’m close to starving but it isn’t that deep yet.
Shits been getting harder and harder and I’ll catch myself resenting and regretting letting my life get this deep..
But little talks and short Lyft rides with strangers that remind help remind me that I sacrificed the comfort of a life I didn’t want for the chance to have and live the life that I do want.
No one ever said it was going to be easy.. I’ve always known that, I’ve always known that I faced the thrill of failure.. But now I’m walking that line and it’s so-fucking-terrifying
But just the thought of the outcome makes it all worth it..
All of this will pay off.. It has to. I will make it.
Theres no way I’ll let myself struggle like this forever. It’s fucking embarrassing and quite unbecoming, really.
I had a crazy week last week.. My life is so crazy right now that I question if I even know what crazy is anymore?
These chronicles just keep getting deeper and im just living em and logging them. Actually scratch that, I’d started logging them.
Last week’s shenanigans involved my face looking like this:
I fucking forgot that today is my dad’s death day.. I still can’t believe it but at the same time I can. Shits been that crazy man and all I can think about is what he can see going on.. I’m sure he’s thrilled to see me out here chasing the shit out of life.. I would be..
The shitty thing about death is that there’s just never a proper time to die.
2012 began as a very progress focused year. I can’t speak for anyone else but I know that I was in a good position in life, when he left. I know it isn’t something that someone can control but im sure that if he had to evaluate my raising and life status before he left, he would have felt comfortable. What’s killer about what I just said is that now I only wish he could see who I’ve become… I feel like I’m so much more like him now that I’ve ever been, more than I’ve ever known.
There are days where I just miss his presence and want to be so much more like him in small ways. He inspires me now more than ever before and it’s all from memory.
He did such a good job as a dad and as a person that its challenging to be so much like him but in a different era.